


The Shadow People

by alienweirdo



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Hallucinations, M/M, Self-Harm, descriptions of psychosis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-03-26 16:45:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3857815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alienweirdo/pseuds/alienweirdo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer Reid is seeing things... And he's terrified. Can he stay in the BAU, win the affection of Aaron Hotchner, AND defeat his demons? </p><p>(This story was inspired by my own experience of PTSD-related psychosis and other mental health problems. I have attempted to co-opt no one's mental health experience but my own.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Illusion

_Please, Hotch... Don't leave..._ Spencer thought as he watched Hotch packing up his things to leave the office. It was one of those nights: times when, for whatever terrible reason, Spencer knew that the darkness was his enemy. He pretended to look down at a tiny chess board with an inquisitive expression. Hotch walked up to Spencer's desk and tapped him gently on the shoulder.

"Reid?"

"Uh, yeah?" Spencer looked up at Aaron, attempting to make a calm facial expression while communicating the depth of his fear... Whatever result was on Spencer's face, it didn't work. Hotch could tell something was wrong. Half of Spencer was glad and half of Spencer was nervous. Something as silly as a fear of the dark could get Spence kicked off the BAU. The job he had been preparing for all his life could vanish in the blink of an eye. He couldn't fuck this up. No, not now. But, then again, he couldn't go home and stay awake all night with the lights on. So he was frozen. Right here.

"Spencer, I realize that whatever is disturbing you must be formidable, but the one thing that is true is that you're not doing yourself any favors by not talking about it."

"W-What? Uh, I'm fine, Hotch, really." Aaron glanced across Reid's desk, at the dirty coffee cup he'd been refilling non-stop, and at the endless games of chess Reid used to keep his brain occupied. Then he glanced over the young genius himself: his tie was blue--loose, as though it had been bothering Reid's neck with its tightness. Spencer's vest was unbuttoned sloppily, and his shirt had a few spots of coffee that Reid had tried to wash out in the BAU's bathroom. "I'm fine," Spencer promised, but his big brown eyes were full of an eerie desperation.

A haunted look was not a novelty in Reid's expression, but Hotchner felt like he was looking at a prisoner--and one who was very ill. Aaron pulled up a chair next to Spencer's desk. At that distance, Reid refused to make eye contact. Instead, he kept looking into the space of his desk as if it held some secret he was trying to decipher.

"Reid," Hotch began, and tried to put a hand on Reid's shoulder. The physical contact startled him and he jumped out of his chair. Aaron was surprised to see a terrified, wild look in Spencer's eyes. It was then that Hotch realized he was dealing with a potentially dangerous situation. Here was Spencer, clearly not having slept for three, maybe four nights. A mind like that with no rest? It was a recipe for disaster.

Reid tried to collect himself. "Um, I'm really sorry, uh, I should go..." Spencer tried to leave, but Hotch grabbed him by the wrist.

"Reid, you need to sit down and listen to me very carefully," Aaron began, but before he could finish, Spencer interrupted him:

"I just can't take it anymore. I thought I-I thought when it happened, I'd be ready for it. Or at least I could solve it, or maybe find some way to circumvent the psychosis--"

"--Psychosis?"

"Yeah, I, uh, I've been seeing things."

"Well, no doubt; you haven't slept for days..."

"No, they were there before..."

"What are _they_ , Spencer?"

"They're... they're... like shadows, in the shape of people. Shadow people, I guess. It's just, it doesn't make sense..."

"It's not about making sense, Spencer."

"I thought I could handle it," Reid said while beginning to sob.

 


	2. Riptide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron Hotchner tries to reason with a shaken Spencer Reid who's afraid of the darkness while the rest of the members of the BAU are home sleeping.

"Reid, I'm going to need you to stand up," Hotchner said.

"Why?" came Spencer's quick reply, fearful and tense. He looked at Hotch with a calculating expression. Aaron sighed and paused before replying.

"Well, I think it's a little more comfortable in my office. And these lights out here are--"

"--The lights have to stay on. They have to," Spencer blurted out. "If the lights go out, if it gets dark, then they'll come out."

"The shadows, you mean?" Hotch asked, trying to sound as calm as possible. It seemed that the slightest move was enough to scare Reid, who was already terrified enough. "We can keep the lights on in my office then." 

Spencer finally nodded and agreed to move. 

Reid found that his body was trembling uncontrollably as he followed Hotchner to his office. Reid blinked several times and rubbed his eyes. Everything was shaking still. He figured it must be the huge amount of caffeine he'd consumed in only a week's time.

Seated on a small couch in Hotchner's office, Reid gave in to his compulsion to over-explain.

"I don't know where they came from, Hotch. It's like every night I'm staring into a darkness that's staring back at me. Everything we see here, everything we do at the BAU, all that stuff... That's what I see in the dark. And even if I shut my eyes, they're still coming for me... I see these people--these specters, almost--and even if I can fall asleep, I wake up to feel the shadow people are choking me." 

Reid appeared stunned at what he had said, looking up at Hotchner as if he wished he could cram all the words back down his throat.

Hotchner had to close his eyes for a moment to consider the situation. His emotions were beginning to cloud his thinking, marring his objectivity... Wait, his _feelings?_ Aaron felt charged--as if he had caught something from Reid, contact with the young genius was making the gears of his mind grind. It was panic, sure, but there was something beyond it, something deeper. Spencer was more than just an agent to Aaron.

 _What were the options here?_ Hotchner asked himself. He tried to be rational; still something was clouding his judgement, something which was telling him that Reid needed something beyond the standard approach. Hotch could send the young man to the psych ward, but the option disgusted him. Reid be locked up? There had always been something fragile about Spencer, Aaron thought. And right now Reid needed protection more than anything. He needed to know that it was okay. He needed to know he was _safe_.

Reid had curled himself into a ball on the couch and was staring into space. Hotchner crouched so that he was in Reid's line of sight. Spencer blinked, twitched, and seemed to come back to his senses.

"Spencer," Aaron began, "How often do things like this happen?"

"Approximately three point seven times a week, if you average in the past six months."

"I'm going to get you some water, then I want you to tell me what I can do to help you through this."

Hotchner handed Spencer a cup of water, then pulled his desk chair over so that he could sit across from him.

"Can you ask me questions?" Spencer said. It seemed an odd request at first, but Aaron was quickly learning that, with Spencer, there were always surprises, even though most people never looked past the "genius" label. It made more sense to Spencer to answer specific questions than to ramble with uncertainty of one's objectives.

"Sure," said Aaron. "Can you tell me what you need, in this moment, right now?"

Spencer laughed bitterly. 

"I need rest." 

"Okay, we can work with that," Hotchner said, striving to maintain some part of his usual detached manner. This episode with Spencer was threatening to unmask his underlying emotions.

A folded coat made a pillow and Spencer curled up again on the couch.

"Are you sure it'll be okay?" He asked suddenly. In an instant, Spencer's emotions had rolled from bitter sorrow and indignation to the quavering fear of a young child. Hotchner knew he needed reassurance.

"Spencer, I'm staying right here, and I promise, if there's anything out to get you, I will be right here..." Aaron paused, then smiled, "...and I'm armed with two firearms." Spencer smiled weakly, but seemed to accept Hotchner's reassurance. Slowly, Reid drifted off to a troubled sleep.

Hotchner sat at his desk, going over paperwork. Aaron felt like he would do anything to help Reid feel better. And while Reid slept, Hotchner found himself looking carefully at Spencer. He'd had a psychotic break, sure, but nothing with Reid could be treated ordinarily. Aaron remembered when Spencer had first joined the team and recalled his unease with guns. He remembered Spencer's little smiles, which poorly masked his insecurity. And Hotch's affection for Reid had only grown over the time they had worked together.

If Spencer had been broken by the dark work of the BAU, who could be at fault but Aaron Hotchner? Yet it wasn't guilt that was telling Hotch that he wanted to hold Spencer tight and keep him safe from all the horror of the world--even if that horror resided in Reid's own mind.


	3. Daybreak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a mental breakdown, Spencer Reid hides out in Aaron Hotchner's office recovering from terrifying nightmares and otherworldly hallucinations.

Spencer stumbled through the desert. It looked like a demented version of Las Vegas: bright lights shining down on him and boring into his eyes, scraping the shadows from his crumpled body. The sun was so bright and hot it felt like all of him was boiling alive. Everything went black... and then he could feel _them_ , the _shadows_... It seemed that the brighter the star in the sky, the deeper the darkness around it. But now the void was given life, and this possessed darkness wished to end Spencer's life, or at least make sure it was a tortured one.

He awoke with a yelp, and suddenly the lights and shadows were gone and there was just Aaron Hotchner holding him as he shook.

"What-what...?" 

"You fell out of bed," Hotchner said in an even tone. Yet there was something behind his eyes that Spencer couldn't register. 

"I can't do it again."

"Do what again?" Hotchner furrowed his brow.

"Sleep," Spencer said, and tried to get to his feet. Hotchner stood up with him. Aaron sighed.

"Spencer, you know I can't let you leave like this."

"Hotch, it's alright, I got some sleep. Now let me do my job."

"You can't," Hotchner's tone turned stern. "You would need to go through a psych eval if I let you on this team again. Hallucinations? Nightmares? Those don't make for a pretty psychological profile. You need to take time off, Spencer; I insist on it."

Spencer looked at Hotchner with a torn expression. The rest of the team would be there soon, filling their coffee cups and getting ready for the case they'd be working on today. 

"Your blinds are drawn," Spencer said.

"Yeah," Hotch said, "So what?"

"Let me stay here. With the light on." Aaron tilted his head in an expression of confusion, but he couldn't help but admit to himself that he liked the idea. Spencer, here--safe and sound, and somewhere where Hotch could keep an eye on him.

"Okay, Spence," Hotch conceded. "But I'm going to need you to take something." Aaron retrieved two medicine bottles from his desk. "This is for the hallucinations and this is for the nightmares... I took the liberty of phoning our consulting doctor while you were sleeping, and please be assured that this matter is strictly confidential."

Spencer merely nodded with a grave expression on his face. He swallowed the pills and took a gulp of water to wash them down. His body crumpled as he sat down on the couch. 

"What's wrong?" Hotchner asked.

"It's just, uh, I've seen those pills before. It's what I had to give to my mom before she... had to go for more help." Spencer looked crestfallen. "I just never thought I'd be on the receiving end of a potent antipsychotic."

Hotchner sat down across from him. 

"Spencer, I need you to understand that you are not the same as your mother and I am not trying to treat you that way. You must realize that anyone else would've sent you for a psych eval already. I'm taking a lot of steps to make sure you're comfortable with everything going on because I realize that this is a delicate situation for you psychologically and emotionally." Hotchner was trying his best to be understanding, but he knew that sometimes his stoic manner was not as comforting as he hoped.

Spencer teared up without meaning to. He was angry--why angry? It didn't make sense to him. It was something like indignant resignation to the fact that he was losing it mentally. And here was Hotch, his boss, taking care of him like he was a pathetic child. Still, it was something he needed. Something he'd never really had. Did that make it unhealthy? Spencer gave up trying to understand. He was always trying to understand, and look where it had gotten him? Spencer curled up on the couch again and covered his face with his coat-pillow. 

Hotchner sighed in concern. And surprising himself, he dropped the stoic mask he almost always wore. Aaron pulled back Spencer's coat from his face and saw that Spencer's tear-filled eyes wouldn't meet his own.

"Spencer," Hotch said softly. He wiped a tear from Spencer's cheek, and in shock Spencer made eye contact. He looked more frightened than anything else, but the fear soon passed and gave way to confusion.

"Hotch, _why_ are you helping me like this?"

"I-I honestly don't know."

"That's probably the truest thing I've ever heard you say," Spencer said, and they both laughed.

It was good to see Spencer smile, Aaron thought. 


	4. Abyss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A troubled Spencer Reid rests in Hotch's office while the rest of the BAU team gets to work. But it's not long before Hotchner discovers something Spencer's been hiding.

In his dreams, Spencer floated in a strange abyss. He thought he heard his mother's voice, sighing and breaking. But it was somewhere far off, somewhere outside the bubble that surrounded him, the cloud of fog that filled his consciousness. The drugs must be kicking in, Spencer thought, as fuzzy images from his childhood came into view, then floated away peacefully.

When Spencer awoke, he felt rested and calm--for the first time in a long while. He sat up and stretched. Where was Hotch? Probably leading the BAU team as they went over case files in the room beyond Hotchner's office. Spencer didn't dare make an appearance. He knew he was in bad shape. Spence could tell by the way Hotch had been disturbed by the sight of the caffeine-addled, trembling genius. As Reid thought of it, he felt a pang of guilt, and something else--something worse. It frightened him; there was something in the way that Reid had gotten through to a side of Hotchner that he had never seen before. There was something there--something beyond Hotch's stoic exterior. Spencer remembered the way that he had awoken abruptly, cradled in Hotchner's arms. There was Hotchner, holding him, and in that moment, Hotch was just as scared as Reid was.

The door to Aaron's office opened abruptly, jolting Reid out of his reverie. "We're about to close up shop for the day," Hotchner said. The blinds were still shut tight, masking Reid's presence from the rest of the BAU.

"What did you tell them about me?" Spencer asked, wondering how the absence had been explained to the team.

"Stomach flu," Hotch said simply. It was very far from the truth, but it would give Spencer some time to recover from his psychotic break. Hotch shuffled some files on his desk, then opened one to peer at the text seriously.

"I'm not crazy, you know..." Reid said, unsure of how to communicate that the sleep had done him well and that the medicine must be working.

"Reid..." Aaron sighed, "That's not really the problem." He sat down across from the young genius.

"I just..." Spencer began, but his words faded out. How could he say that he didn't want Hotch doing all this for him? Letting him keep his job and keeping the psychotic break under wraps? Letting Spencer sleep in his office? Hotch... _holding_ him like that? It felt like so much at once and it was stirring something in him that he didn't necessarily want to think about.

Something shifted, and Spencer sensed an abrupt change in the mood. Aaron's gaze became soft and frightened. His voice was gentle when he spoke.

"How long have you been hurting yourself, Spencer?" Reid's expression was one of shock. He had tried very hard to keep it a secret, and to his credit, he'd managed to do so for quite some time.

A single spot of blood on Spencer's sleeve had given him away.

 


	5. Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Spencer Reid experiences frightening nightmares and hallucinations, Aaron Hotchner discovers the young genius has been secretly hurting himself. 
> 
> MAJOR TW FOR SELF-HARM DEPICTION

It was only a tiny speck, but Aaron Hotchner's mind had quickly calculated what it meant, and the news was not good. Spencer Reid looked down at his arm instinctively, seeing the spot of blood on his sleeve. One of his half-healed cuts must have re-opened while he moved in his sleep.

"How long have you been doing this?" Hotchner had asked, but he already knew that it hadn't been long. It seemed to be a new addiction--one which had helped Spencer cope while breaking his Dilaudid habit. And Spencer had found there was something _different_ about cutting himself--it was an addiction to the feeling of release. Despite his youth, Spencer's world was far from ideal, and that darkness came through in terrible ways.

The blade knew him like no one else did. When Spencer was lonely, it only took a few lines of red through his skin before he felt, somehow, _calmer_. But soon things had gotten out of hand. As the nightmares began to terrorize him, he had to cut more and deeper. At this point, his arms were so badly injured that Spencer was re-opening wounds accidentally. Very quickly, the cutting had spiraled out of control.

Hotchner realized his question didn't matter in the grand scope of things. He had wondered how long Spencer had been hurting himself because he felt guilty-- _how had he not noticed?_ He felt deeply ashamed. Hotchner called himself Reid's boss, and he hadn't seen the warning signs?

Hotchner tried to be gentle. "Where's the blade, Spence?"

Without a word, Reid reached into his pocket, pulled out a pocket knife, and handed it over.

 


	6. Torment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron Hotchner makes a deal with a troubled Spencer Reid, and neither of them know how things will go.

Spencer wondered how he could have been so stupid. Things were getting out of hand. Maybe that was an understatement… God, why did everything keep going wrong? Spencer felt chills running down his spine, a sensation he was starting to get used to. He wasn’t happy about it. Things had gotten out of hand and now Hotch knew too much. The nightmares and insomnia? Okay, maybe Spencer had wanted him to know. He wanted some kind of help that he ached for, a kind of help that he couldn’t even define. It was foolishness, he thought. The feeling of himself cradled in Aaron’s arms was haunting him just as much as the shadow people were.

Hotchner handed out files to the team, passing around the case they’d be consulting on by phone the next day. It was homework, and as much as the team would like to keep their work separate from the rest of their lives, the fact was that there were dangerous people in the world who needed to be stopped. There really was no day off. Aaron thought of Reid, and considered that even though Reid was having a “day off,” it was far from a day free from the demons that haunted the BAU.

Hotchner came into his office with two cups to find Spencer sitting on the couch. The tension was palpable, Aaron thought. Reid got up and sat in the chair across from Aaron’s desk. Hotchner handed Reid a mug. “It’s hot chocolate,” Hotchner said. “I’ve got the same; it’s only fair if you can’t have coffee.” He attempted a smile, and Spencer returned his characteristic half smirk.   
“Thanks,” Spencer said. He took a sip, then set it on the desk. “So,” Reid began, “This consulting doctor… feeling out of their league yet?” He laughed bitterly.   
“It’s really not like that…” Hotch began.  
“How isn’t it? You’re keeping me locked in your office,” Reid said dryly. “What happens next?”  
Aaron sighed. “Reid… You’re more than just a co-worker to me… You’re a friend. And friends don’t keep friends locked in their offices.” Hotch paused, searching Spencer’s face for clues as to what he might be thinking. “You’re free to go,” Hotch said.  
“Seriously?”  
“Seriously.”  
Spencer seemed to be distracted by something.   
“And what happens if I don’t want to leave?” Reid said, his eyes downcast.

“I can’t stop thinking about it,” Hotchner said flatly. “You in this situation, how scared you must be, how you’ve been hurting yourself… And I want to make a deal with you.”  
“A deal?”  
“Yes.”   
“Come stay at my place. Until you’re feeling better. I can’t have you working the cases officially, but I’ll bring you home some files to look over. We could use your expertise as you recover.” Hotchner paused while Spencer remained silent. “You don’t have to be alone.”

Reid’s eyes were welling up again and he thought for sure he was going nuts this time. But there was something comforting about Hotchner’s presence. It made the demons in his mind quiet in the face of reason. To stay with Hotch for a bit seemed alarming and amazing all at once. Reid couldn’t make sense of what he was feeling. Perhaps it was just a follow up to the feeling he had before when he sat at his desk playing an endless game of chess. That random urge to reveal his torment to none other than Aaron Hotchner.


	7. Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron Hotchner and Spencer Reid experience life under the same roof, while Reid recovers from his psychological trauma.

It was his third day nightmare-free. The medication seemed to be very effective, Spencer thought. He had taken up residence on Hotchner’s couch and strewn files across the coffee table. Reid scanned the pages with a single glance, taking in and processing the information in the papers. Abductions, murders, rapes, torture, sadism… it was all par for the course. Reid’s conscious mind—the mind processing all this information—had no trouble with such dark material; it was his dreaming mind that liked to throw the horror of his job into his face. Spencer wondered how long he’d have to take the medication. Would the nightmares—and the shadow people—disappear on their own? Reid still slept with the light on as a precaution. He didn’t have the heart to turn out the light and it seemed neither did Hotchner.

Reid was improving at a spectacular rate, Aaron thought. It seemed that indeed nothing was typical or ordinary with Spencer Reid. The medication had given the young man a foothold. Hotchner didn’t like to admit it, but he’d hidden all the knives and pills in the house just in case. Aaron was terrified of “just in case”. Still, Hotchner knew the cutting was an addiction. Quitting cold turkey rarely yields a spotless future. What would Reid do when confronted by sharp objects? Could he muster the resolve to avoid cutting, or would he give in to the feeling he craved so badly?  
When Aaron got home, Reid had already gone through the files for the day and written his reports on his findings. Hotchner smiled to himself, ever impressed by the young genius. It gave him a sense of pride that Reid had joined the team. There was no one else—possibly no one in the entire world—capable of what Reid could do. And the genius did it all so effortlessly.  
“What do you think about pizza tonight?” Hotchner asked Reid.   
“Hm? Um, fine I guess,” Spencer replied. He seemed distracted. Hotchner took a seat and directed his attention toward Reid. He noticed the young man’s hands were shaking faintly.  
“What’s wrong, Spencer?”   
“Nothing, I guess I’m just nervous,” Reid replied. But Aaron could see past Spencer’s shy deception. More and more, Hotchner felt captivated by Spencer. It wasn’t merely how gifted and brilliant he was, though that was impressive alone. It was something more, and that something was pushing Hotchner over the edge, into uncharted territory.   
It scared Spencer. When Hotchner was around he felt… weird. He didn’t know the word to describe it, despite having read (and memorized) dictionaries for fun when he was younger. It was a feeling better addressed by symphonies or grand novels… How could he make sense of this? Everything was happening too fast. First the cutting, then the PTSD, then the nightmares… now this? It was like Hotchner had unlocked something within Reid, something that he still couldn’t find the words to describe.   
Hotchner reached forward and held Reid’s trembling hands.


	8. Falling Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer Reid and Aaron Hotchner explore their feelings for one another.

It felt like an electric shock as they were struck with the same current at the same instant. Their hands fell away from the shock of the touch. Was this what was between them? An electric energy? Reid’s eyes were wide with shock and when they met Hotchner’s startled eyes, the tension was sharp in the air.

It was Reid who would move next. He followed the current and leaned forward with a daring kiss. Aaron felt such energy welling up inside him, all those feelings he had pocketed away were rising to the surface in an uncontrollable way—and he kissed back.

The sudden embrace came next, and the two fell into each others’ arms, still kissing passionately. Hotchner felt his opposition to the kiss and the embrace melting away, as the spell of Spencer Reid fell over him. Spencer pulled Aaron closer, trying to communicate the depth of his affection.

And like it started, it stopped. The spell broke. The two fell apart, and the shock took over as they realized what had happened after the fact.

“Pizza’s fine,” Spencer quipped. They both laughed, and the tension eased. Spencer felt… stronger. Somehow the impulsive kiss had freed him of some distress. It had settled things in a certain way, for him. It was like Hotchner was exactly the right medicine for him.

“Sure. Pizza then,” Hotchner agreed. They made the order, and when it arrived, they sat in front of the TV, leaning gently on one another, until Reid fell asleep on Aaron’s shoulder. Unable to will himself to move and disturb Reid, Hotchner settled his mind to fall asleep, despite the unusual position. He wrapped his arms around Spencer and pulled him closer, eventually falling asleep.

The next morning, reality had set in in Aaron’s mind. It was hard to pretend that this could continue, Hotchner felt, and his reasonable nature had convinced him that he had erred in a very serious way. How could he have thought it was okay to bring a co-worker into something like this? But he hardly knew how far things would go at the time… He was just trying to help… And something in his nature made him keep pushing things to see how far they’d go.

Spencer woke up, drowsily. He was relieved to have slept so peacefully. Hotchner made him feel safe and protected.

“We can’t ever do this again,” said a flustered Hotch.

“Do what again?” Reid asked, and winked. They both laughed.

“Alright, I get it,” Hotch said, smiling. “I’m thinking pizza next week. You in?”

Spencer hugged Aaron in reply, thinking that nightmares were nothing compared to the resilience found in a moment of joy.


End file.
